OK forget getting up at all hours of the night with a hungry, wet (or poopy), screaming newborn...that is the easy shit...the hard parts are when you can hear your nearly three year old upstairs crashing and banging around and are absolutely afraid of what you are going to find her in the middle of when you go racing up the stairs...
Second "Holy F***! moment of the day is when you take the laundry from the washing machine and find everything covered in the sweet stickyness of juicy fruit gum...never mind the fact that your step-son's mp3 player went through the washing machine on the weekend are you are faced with the guilt while watching him cry is eyes out all weekend...and THEN your husband has the balls to say to you, "Maybe you should check the pockets for now on," to which you reply by telling him off while screaming at the top of your lungs that you already have too much to do with a bunch of pigs living with you and having to clean up after them while taking care of two children, one a small infant that doesn't understand when you have to put them down in order to go clean up poop from the bathroom floor while answering the phone and getting juice and putting on "Tubbies" for the thousandth time ALL AT THE SAME TIME!!!!!!!!
I'm not saying I don't enjoy motherhood...those times of peaceful interlude when everyone else is asleep and you can have two seconds to yourself before sweet, sweet sleep comes...
Oh and I haven't bathed or showered in five days because by the time I finish my motherly duties, I'm too tired to care about not smelling like poo and spit-up at the end of every day...
Friday, October 16, 2009
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Oh So Tired!
I'm sitting here eating my puffed wheat cereal...been awake since 6am...Charlie wet the bed again...she's drinking waaaaaaaay too much juice before bed...I REALLY hate potty training...and now I'm going to go through this again???? Maybe this one will be easier....please God, let this one be easier!!!!!
Milk is almost gone....I get paid tomorrow but this means I can't have my coffee this morning...my expired coffee that mom brought me...lol
Not sure what the plans are for the day...currently too tired to think let alone make actual plans for my day off....vacation time next week!!! Yay!!! It's sad that I get paid more for taking vacation than I do when I actually work....where is the justice in that??? Too bad I'll be broke so I won't be able to do much with my time off...oh well...have an apartment that needs a lot of cleaning before the move...a lot more junk to go through and throw away...so I guess it won't be much of a vacation...c'est la vie...well, my life anyway...
Cereal getting soggy....must run...
Milk is almost gone....I get paid tomorrow but this means I can't have my coffee this morning...my expired coffee that mom brought me...lol
Not sure what the plans are for the day...currently too tired to think let alone make actual plans for my day off....vacation time next week!!! Yay!!! It's sad that I get paid more for taking vacation than I do when I actually work....where is the justice in that??? Too bad I'll be broke so I won't be able to do much with my time off...oh well...have an apartment that needs a lot of cleaning before the move...a lot more junk to go through and throw away...so I guess it won't be much of a vacation...c'est la vie...well, my life anyway...
Cereal getting soggy....must run...
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Rainy Morning Plans
It's already 9:30am. I've been sitting in front of the computer with my coffee for the past hour and a half playing games on facebook and contemplating starting a blog that I might actually keep up with. So I guess this is it and depending on how long this sudden writing inspiration stays with me, I may just be able to re-awaken the writer within and actually accomplish something.
Writing was NOT on the docket for today...in fact, all I REALLY need to do today is a sink full of dishes and MAYBE a couple loads of laundry. And of course taking care of sweet little Charlie who has already changed her shirt three times because she decided that a popsicle was a good breakfast choice and God FORBID she get anything on her clothes.
Lately Charlie is obsessed with bugs...it's my fault really...there was a HUMONGOUS spider in the living room one day last week and of course I FLIPPED...I have a phobia...I admit...bugs (except most flying or jumping insects), mice, snakes...they don't bother me...but spiders instill a fear in me I've never been able to quite get hold of. So now she's afraid of bugs...I don't really know how my two and a half year old understood the connection between my fear of spiders to the fact that all common insects should be feared as well, but then again she has been known to shock me with what she knows. Every morning she wakes crying...I go into her room to find her huddled beneath the covers, pointing and babbling about a speck of dirt on the ceiling...likely just a small cobweb but to her it is something to fear...a bug...and no matter how I attempt to reassure her, she is petrified!
I wish I didn't have to work tonight. Of course that is nothing new...lately I wish I didn't have to work at all, but if you've read the title of this blog you probably understand why I HAVE to work...hubby and I are currently attempting to find a new place to live...a larger abode for our ever-growing family. His three boys from his first marriage, plus Charlie, plus another bundle of joy cooking in the oven as I write this. In four short months we'll be bringing home Lily (or Connor if the ultrasound tech was wrong)...we're currently in a two bedroom apartment...have been for the last three years and the suffocating effect of the walls closing in every day is really getting to me. Currently we have one choice. A three-bedroom house in the country...twenty minutes away with our decrepit mini-van...wouldn't be so bad if hubby didn't work seven days per week...not to mention I work the occasional mornings and have to take him to work at 7am and come back home in order to go in for 10am...will definitely have to alter my hours at work if this move happens. But, there is a possibility we might get a break on rent for the first couple months because the place needs a lot of work...we can pay off the rent by fixing it up ourselves which will cut down on travelling expenses. And by the time the two months are up, I'll be going on maternity leave and won't have to travel back and forth four days out of the week.
☻$$$☻$$$☻$$$☻$$$☻$$$☻$$$☻$$$☻$$$☻$$$☻$$$☻
So, lately I've been thinking long and hard about a plan for my family's future...with all these mouths to feed and nothing extra to play with; always struggling to pay bills...dealing with threats of evictions and disconnections on a daily basis, etc....I realize we can't live like this forever...the last three years have been one long struggle and if something doesn't change soon, I'm afraid of where we'll find ourselves in four months when Lily arrives.
Hubby has a janitor job, even though he's a welder by trade...welding jobs are not abundant and he needs to renew his tickets in order to get a job...I work in a video store...things were not too bad a few months ago, but then I was demoted...took a pay cut...and am now only working a maximum of 25 hours/week...I had to stop paying my credit card because I had to make the choice between fixing my credit or putting food on the table. My parent's who are the most wonderful people in the world cut down our loan with in half...they are the reason we have transportation...I feel guilty for not paying off my debts with them...but I still believe in my heart that one day I'll be able to pay them back with interest. How? Good question.
If I were to label my own trade or career, I'd say I was a writer first and formost...since I was ten...I've written a book and half a sequel....never fully edited or submitted because three years ago I found myself pregnant and an instant family in tow as well...suddenly there was no time to finish what had taken six years of my life to write...I remember my mother telling me she sensed big changes for me that year..little did she know the change would be family, not career oriented...when I told her of my new circumstance she made me promise that I'd finish my book. I made the promise, confident enough in myself that I could do it, but the struggles that followed in that year pushed that promise far down on the list of things I needed to take care of that year. Hubby had gone through countless jobs and two weeks before I was due to give birth to our daughter, he lost his job...the golden opportunity that would ensure a future for us. Since then it's been struggle after struggle and frankly, my weakened sanity cannot take another year of worrying what's around the bend. For once I'd like to peek around the corner and see happiness instead of despair. He doesn't know just how much it hurts me to live like this day to day. I cry alone when he's not here, and if I can't be alone to wallow I take a shower and sob. Mind you, it wasn't like this pre-pregnancy days...the hormones make me crazy and make every mole hill feel like Mount St Helens, about to erupt with disastrous consequences.
So...when I look at my choices I see a clear one...finish the book...attempt to get published. If we move to the boonies I'll have little else to occupy my time with...other than two children of course...but if I start now, perhaps by Christmas I'll have it ready to submit...work on it between feeding times and diaper changes...so time to lay out a plan.
Step one: I need paper. LOTS of paper. I've attempted to edit the monstrosity on the computer and within a half hour I have a migraine. Probably the reason I haven't edited it fully...I get paid this week but every cent is already accounted for. Can I find an extra $20 for paper??? I'm also afraid something will happen to my computer and I'll lose my book once and for all.
Step two: Completely unrelated but equally important...convince Charlie her potty is for peeing in, not for storing her crayons...
Step three: Set aside a few hours every morning for my book.
Seems reasonable...let's see how it goes!!!
Writing was NOT on the docket for today...in fact, all I REALLY need to do today is a sink full of dishes and MAYBE a couple loads of laundry. And of course taking care of sweet little Charlie who has already changed her shirt three times because she decided that a popsicle was a good breakfast choice and God FORBID she get anything on her clothes.
Lately Charlie is obsessed with bugs...it's my fault really...there was a HUMONGOUS spider in the living room one day last week and of course I FLIPPED...I have a phobia...I admit...bugs (except most flying or jumping insects), mice, snakes...they don't bother me...but spiders instill a fear in me I've never been able to quite get hold of. So now she's afraid of bugs...I don't really know how my two and a half year old understood the connection between my fear of spiders to the fact that all common insects should be feared as well, but then again she has been known to shock me with what she knows. Every morning she wakes crying...I go into her room to find her huddled beneath the covers, pointing and babbling about a speck of dirt on the ceiling...likely just a small cobweb but to her it is something to fear...a bug...and no matter how I attempt to reassure her, she is petrified!
I wish I didn't have to work tonight. Of course that is nothing new...lately I wish I didn't have to work at all, but if you've read the title of this blog you probably understand why I HAVE to work...hubby and I are currently attempting to find a new place to live...a larger abode for our ever-growing family. His three boys from his first marriage, plus Charlie, plus another bundle of joy cooking in the oven as I write this. In four short months we'll be bringing home Lily (or Connor if the ultrasound tech was wrong)...we're currently in a two bedroom apartment...have been for the last three years and the suffocating effect of the walls closing in every day is really getting to me. Currently we have one choice. A three-bedroom house in the country...twenty minutes away with our decrepit mini-van...wouldn't be so bad if hubby didn't work seven days per week...not to mention I work the occasional mornings and have to take him to work at 7am and come back home in order to go in for 10am...will definitely have to alter my hours at work if this move happens. But, there is a possibility we might get a break on rent for the first couple months because the place needs a lot of work...we can pay off the rent by fixing it up ourselves which will cut down on travelling expenses. And by the time the two months are up, I'll be going on maternity leave and won't have to travel back and forth four days out of the week.
☻$$$☻$$$☻$$$☻$$$☻$$$☻$$$☻$$$☻$$$☻$$$☻$$$☻
So, lately I've been thinking long and hard about a plan for my family's future...with all these mouths to feed and nothing extra to play with; always struggling to pay bills...dealing with threats of evictions and disconnections on a daily basis, etc....I realize we can't live like this forever...the last three years have been one long struggle and if something doesn't change soon, I'm afraid of where we'll find ourselves in four months when Lily arrives.
Hubby has a janitor job, even though he's a welder by trade...welding jobs are not abundant and he needs to renew his tickets in order to get a job...I work in a video store...things were not too bad a few months ago, but then I was demoted...took a pay cut...and am now only working a maximum of 25 hours/week...I had to stop paying my credit card because I had to make the choice between fixing my credit or putting food on the table. My parent's who are the most wonderful people in the world cut down our loan with in half...they are the reason we have transportation...I feel guilty for not paying off my debts with them...but I still believe in my heart that one day I'll be able to pay them back with interest. How? Good question.
If I were to label my own trade or career, I'd say I was a writer first and formost...since I was ten...I've written a book and half a sequel....never fully edited or submitted because three years ago I found myself pregnant and an instant family in tow as well...suddenly there was no time to finish what had taken six years of my life to write...I remember my mother telling me she sensed big changes for me that year..little did she know the change would be family, not career oriented...when I told her of my new circumstance she made me promise that I'd finish my book. I made the promise, confident enough in myself that I could do it, but the struggles that followed in that year pushed that promise far down on the list of things I needed to take care of that year. Hubby had gone through countless jobs and two weeks before I was due to give birth to our daughter, he lost his job...the golden opportunity that would ensure a future for us. Since then it's been struggle after struggle and frankly, my weakened sanity cannot take another year of worrying what's around the bend. For once I'd like to peek around the corner and see happiness instead of despair. He doesn't know just how much it hurts me to live like this day to day. I cry alone when he's not here, and if I can't be alone to wallow I take a shower and sob. Mind you, it wasn't like this pre-pregnancy days...the hormones make me crazy and make every mole hill feel like Mount St Helens, about to erupt with disastrous consequences.
So...when I look at my choices I see a clear one...finish the book...attempt to get published. If we move to the boonies I'll have little else to occupy my time with...other than two children of course...but if I start now, perhaps by Christmas I'll have it ready to submit...work on it between feeding times and diaper changes...so time to lay out a plan.
Step one: I need paper. LOTS of paper. I've attempted to edit the monstrosity on the computer and within a half hour I have a migraine. Probably the reason I haven't edited it fully...I get paid this week but every cent is already accounted for. Can I find an extra $20 for paper??? I'm also afraid something will happen to my computer and I'll lose my book once and for all.
Step two: Completely unrelated but equally important...convince Charlie her potty is for peeing in, not for storing her crayons...
Step three: Set aside a few hours every morning for my book.
Seems reasonable...let's see how it goes!!!
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